Imagine this scenario: you are stuck in a meeting, surrounded by a flock of corporate flunkies flapping their wings like over-caffeinated chickens. For no reason at all, one of them keeps throwing around phrases like “synergy,” “think outside the box,” and “low-hanging fruit.” You are nodding like a bobblehead on a bumpy car ride, trying to unravel the tangled mess of their fancy talk, but it’s like trying to catch a rainbow with a fishing net! The harsh truth? Corporate grovelers use a secret language designed to leave you scratching your head and wondering if you accidentally wandered into a circus of confusion.

By Themba Khumalo

If only I could slip into a balaclava and morph into the ultimate stealth assassin of the corporate wilderness, rifle in hand, ready to eliminate the vile creature known as corporate speak!

Each time I hear the wretched phrase “low-hanging fruit,” I’d hold my breath, take aim, and—BAM!—another buzzword bites the dust! It would be an exhilarating battle of verbal whack-a-mole, with me as the hero, leaving the boardroom filled with nothing but the sound of crickets and the faint, victorious echoes of my laughter.

I’m utterly adrift here, feeling like a rhino attempting the cha-cha: what’s the big idea with corporate jargon? Is it a secret handshake for the corporate sorcerers to parade their exclusive entry into a domain of mind-boggling yet completely ridiculous and pointless phrases?

If you ask me, it is a bizarre kind of verbal currency that allows people to strut their “professionalism” while they are really just serving up a buffet of baloney!

Are you daring? Good; let’s plunge into the ludicrous waters of corporate gibberish and have a chuckle or two. Tag along as I take a comical trek through some of the infamous culprits of corporate jargon, where the only thing clearer than the confusion is the absurdity.

First up is “synergy,” which essentially, is the corporate equivalent of saying, “Let’s all hold hands and sing Kumbaya, even if we secretly can’t stand each other.”

Next on our comedic quest is “think outside the box,” a phrase that sounds like it should be accompanied by a rabbit and a top hat, but really just means, “Let’s throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks, even if we’re not sure what we’re cooking.”

And how could we possibly overlook “low-hanging fruit”? It is not any different from saying, “Let’s just snag the easy wins, because who wants to break a sweat when we can just grab the cookies from the bottom shelf?”

Ah, “leverage” – it sounds like a fancy term for a yoga pose that requires a degree in contortionism. Or perhaps it’s just a lever that measures the age of corporate nonsense that has accumulated like dust bunnies in the office.

Some overinflated corporate windbag claims that “leverage” is merely about optimizing what you have. Right, because nothing screams efficiency like a room full of people nodding along while doing absolutely nothing.

And then there is “disrupt,” a term that has been thrown around so often it is practically begging for a vacation. Honestly, what are we even disrupting these days? The snack distribution schedule?

Here’s another delightful piece of corporate nonsense that spills from the lips of those brown-nosing stooges: “Let’s circle back on that.” Seriously? What does that even mean? Are we just going to spin around like confused hamsters on a wheel? It sounds like they are trying to win a gold medal in the Olympic sport of running in circles or setting a world record for the longest game of tag, but nobody knows who’s “it”!

“Run the numbers” is another corporate riddle wrapped in a mystery, sprinkled with confusion that makes my brain do backflips. Are we sending numbers on a marathon? I can see them huffing and puffing down the street! But really, how do you run numbers? Do they need a map or a personal trainer?

And then there’s that gem, “Boil the ocean.” I mean, seriously? Who thought it was a good idea to suggest we turn the entire ocean into a giant pot of soup? Did someone just wake up one day and say, “You know what this world needs? A seafood boil on a global scale!”? It’s like trying to microwave a whale—utterly ridiculous and totally bonkers!

Presenting yet another shiny nugget from the dumpster of corporate speak: “Key takeaways.” I’m utterly perplexed – I’m scratching my head here—are we talking about a delicious fish and chips special, or did someone just drop a thesaurus in the deep fryer?

With  “key takeaways”, are we diving into crucial points or just trying to figure out how to get our hands on some fish and crispy chips? Because I could really go for a snack right about now!

I could ramble endlessly, spinning my brain into a pretzel with the babble spewing from the mouths of corporate Smurfs, but alas, time is a cruel mistress! So let’s focus on another gem of nonsense: “future-proof.”

If “theftproof” means you can leave your wallet on a park bench and come back to find it still there, does “future-proof” mean you can dodge all the awkward family reunions and surprise bills that come your way?

This phrase sounds like it was conjured up by a cheeky sangoma with a flair for the dramatic! How on earth do you even create this ludicrous concept called future-proof? Do you erect skyscraper-sized walls and hire a battalion of heavily armed guards ready to blast the future into oblivion the moment it dares to peek around the corner?

I can’t help but reveal there’s a cheeky gremlin nestled deep inside me, – a cheeky little imp – that takes great pleasure in the absurdity of corporate jargon. It’s like being at a magic show where the magician pulls phrases out of thin air, only to be grasped by a privileged few.

It’s not different from being at a standup comedy show overflowing with clever puns that only a select audience appreciates, leaving you in a state of giggly confusion, questioning if you just missed the grand reveal.

Next time you find yourself neck-deep in a predicament of corporate gobbledygook that sounds like a cat trying to sing opera, don’t be afraid to wave your arms like a traffic cop on a caffeine high! Follow that up with; “Excuse me, could you translate that into human?” with a smirk that screams, “I see through your word salad!”

Let us keep it simple and remember that language is a magical bridge designed to connect us, not a potion that turns us into dazed, stumbling zombies with no clue what’s going on!