When you stumble upon terms like “intransigence,” “austerity,” “dialectical materialism,” “landslide,” and “bread and butter issues,” and you find yourself diving for cover like a cat in a thunderstorm, congratulations! You have officially joined the “What did I just hear?” team, where we prefer our vocabulary to be as light as a feather and as fluffy as a cloud. Yep! You are now part of the “Let’s keep it simple, folks” crew, where we believe life is too short for complicated jargon and too long for anything that sounds like a bad crossword puzzle clue.
By Themba Khumalo
If you are not fluent in the language of political jargon, it might as well be a conversation between two squirrels. But for those who fancy themselves as political intellectuals, it is like they have found the holy grail of political drivel… similar to receiving a divine message from the political gods.
Our politicians have adopted these buzzwords with the enthusiasm of a kid in a candy store, tossing them around like confetti at a parade.
Yep, our political elite have taken to these buzzwords like ducks to a pond, using them with the frequency that would make a broken record jealous.
I have a handful of these political buzzwords, that are like cotton candy at a fair—fluffy, colourful, and utterly devoid of substance. They swirl around the atmosphere like a tornado of nonsense, leaving the audience scratching their heads, wondering if they just heard a profound truth or a cat meowing in a wind tunnel.
Tackling The Real Issues – This phrase has been paraded around like a shiny trophy at political rallies, yet we are still waiting for someone to actually take a swing at those issues. It is like watching a cat chase its tail—lots of energy expended, but no real progress made. Perhaps they are not tackling the issues at all; maybe they are just busy tackling our dreams, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered expectations like a jigsaw puzzle missing half its pieces.
Dismantling The Status Quo – a phrase that dances around my brain like a drunken uncle at a wedding, leaving me both amused and slightly terrified. It is the political equivalent of a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, except the rabbit is my sanity and the hat is a bottomless pit of confusion. Every time politicians roll this phrase off their tongues, I brace myself as if I’m about to witness a train wreck in slow motion. What are they planning to take apart? My hopes for a better tomorrow? I can’t help but feel that whatever they are about to dismantle, is probably something I’d rather keep intact – like my sanity or my dreams of a life that doesn’t resemble a circus act gone wrong.
Let Me Be Very Clear – Let’s cut through the fog like a butter knife through a block of cheese. When a politician says, “Let me be very clear,” it is about as reassuring as a warthog on a tightrope. This phrase has been around longer than your grandma’s secret dombolo recipe, and it’s just as reliable—meaning not at all. It is the go-to line for those who want to sound authoritative while actually saying nothing of substance. It is a smoke screen, only instead of smoke, it is filled with hot air. Honestly, I need a GPS here because a lot of things are still as confusing as a drive through the Joburg CBD on a dark and rainy night.
I could use a little divine intervention here because a lot of things are still as clear as mud.
We’ll Not Be Found Wanting – We shall not be caught lacking! This phrase, oh dear, is a riddle wrapped in a mystery, and frankly, it is giving me a migraine. What on earth does it even mean? The ambiguity is enough to make my head spin like a top! – We will not fall short! This saying, for crying out loud, is a conundrum that is making my head throb. I can’t quite grasp its meaning, and the confusion is like a jackhammer in my skull!
Oh, for crying out loud! I’m not trying to sound clueless here, but this “found wanting” phrase has me scratching my head like a confused chicken. You, yes you, the political bigwig, appear to be more interested in cryptic phrases than in actually solving problems. What does “found wanting” even mean in your political lexicon?
My head is throbbing like a drum solo gone wrong, and I can feel my brain preparing for an emergency shutdown!
Intransigence – ah, yes, that delightful little term that politicians love to toss around like confetti at a parade for the oblivious. Intra-what? Honestly, it sounds like a fancy way of saying, “I’m too stubborn to change my mind, and I’m proud of it!” It is as if they are trying to impress us with their vocabulary while ensuring we have no clue what they are rambling about. I have come to suspect that intransigence is just a euphemism for all those grand speeches and lofty promises destined to end up in the recycling bin of forgotten political blunders.
Austerity – oh, what a delightful little word that dances off the tongues of those who seem to think that the masses should tighten their belts while they loosen their grip on the golden spoons. What does this so-called austerity really mean? It’s a fancy way of saying, “Let’s make the poor suffer a bit more so the rich can swim in their money like Scrooge McDuck.” It’s a recipe for national poverty, where the ingredients include a dash of greed, a sprinkle of indifference, and a whole lot of “who cares?” for the common folk.
Bread And Butter Issues – Ah, the term “bread and butter issues”—a phrase that conjures images of a cosy breakfast table, but in reality, it is more of a culinary horror show. What are these issues, you ask? Perhaps they are the stale bread that has been left to harden like a rock or the butter that has turned into a science project in the back of the fridge. And let us not overlook the role of austerity in this gastronomic tragedy. Does it really add a pinch of flavour to our bread-and-butter woes, or does it simply serve to remind us that we are stuck with the culinary equivalent of a sad, soggy sandwich? Spoiler: it is the latter. Austerity is like the friend who shows up to dinner empty-handed and insists that the leftovers are just as good as a home-cooked meal.