By Themba Khumalo

My fellow countrymen and women, behold the half-pie Bheki Cele, the bumbling buffoon who holds the reins of our floundering South African Police Service. The jester in a fedora, the leader lacking a strategy, the zealous comrade with no inkling of how to proceed.

Cele’s mouth is quite sizable, and unfortunately, every time he decides to speak, his foot seems to have a magnetic attraction to that cavernous opening. This leaves only a minuscule amount of room for any positive words to escape, as the majority of the space is occupied by the unpleasant bile that dribbles out.

In case Cele’s clownish antics have not wiped your recollection clean, you may recall his remarks regarding a victim of the savage gang rape purportedly carried out by Zama Zama artisanal miners at an abandoned mine in Krugersdorp.

A young lady, barely out of her teenage years, was deemed “lucky” by Cele – if one could even call it that – to have only suffered at the hands of a single scoundrel, while her peers endured the torment of being violated by numerous fiends.

Oh my, that definition of luck was grotesquely twisted and sickening. Let us face it, when a woman is confronted with the harrowing prospect of a despicable criminal wielding a knife or gun and forcing himself upon her, the notion of luck simply does not exist.

If I were to impart some sagacious counsel, I would strongly suggest that he exercise restraint in his verbal expressions and limit himself to a single word. My recommendation would be to adhere to the simplicity of affirmatives and negatives, namely Yes and/or No.

Bheki Cele is causing us problems with policing.

It is evident that urgent reforms are necessary to address the soaring crime rate and declining morale of the police, otherwise, there could be dire consequences.

The question that is worth a million dollars is still unanswered: what is wrong with the South African Police Service (SAPS) and how can we measure the progress towards making it better? Well, I say get rid of the headline-chasing Cele and his moronic goons for starters.

Cele has an infatuation with appearing on television and in newspapers so much that he has reached such heights that he now habitually scours the atmosphere for sensational criminal activity that will undoubtedly grab headlines.

When it comes to high-profile crimes, Cele has a tried-and-true approach that never fails to catch the media’s eye. He swoops in with lightning speed, spouting off the cuff without a second thought, making promises left and right without any real strategy in place. And just like that, he is gone, leaving his PR team to spin his actions into a glowing success story.

With all the grace of a bull in a China shop, he carelessly sauntered into a parliamentary inquiry on Thursday the 14th, flaunting his colossal ignorance for all to see.

Cele’s pompous and foolish behavior was put on full blast during the parliamentary investigation into the escape of the notorious rapist and killer, Thabo Bester.

A hearty laugh escaped my lips as his fanciful tricks were shattered, leaving him flabbergasted and vulnerable for the world to witness.

With the tenacity of a lioness and the legal prowess of a seasoned veteran, one Advocate Glynnis Breytenbach pounced on a hapless and fedora-less Cele, leaving him flustered and vulnerable during the second day of the Parliamentary inquiry into the daring escape of Thabo Bester from the Mangaung Correctional Center on May 3rd, 2022.

With a mind as keen as a honed blade and a voice that roared like a lion’s, Breytenbach fearlessly tore into the SAPS. This caused Cele to stumble and babble about some fantastical ability supposedly utilized in police investigations.

Mr Shut-up-and-shoot Fedora also appeared to be quite shaken and uncertain when questioned about the reasoning behind securing a private aircraft to transport Bester and his accomplice, Dr Nandipha Magudumana, back from Tanzania.

Our ever-fancy hats royal clown, who prides himself on being a trustworthy guardian of the public, was seething with vexation. He let out a string of exasperated sighs, which only served to make him look more foolish, as Breytenbach tore into the police for their ineptitude.

The current state of affairs can be attributed to the appointment of politically affiliated individuals to high-ranking positions within the police force, rather than those who possess the necessary skills and expertise.

In the end, the responsibility for this debacle rests squarely on the shoulders of President Cyril Ramaphosa and the ANC’s National Executive Committee (NEC). Ramaphosa is a master of political maneuvering, bending whichever way the wind blows to achieve his objectives.

Meanwhile, the NEC is a group of power-hungry bunglers who prioritise the party’s mobilisation over the well-being of South Africans.

As we prance and leap towards 2024, may the universe shower us with an abundance of good fortune. It is my fervent hope that by then, my fellow South Africans will have summoned the courage to quash the tomfoolery of the ANC once and for all.

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